I think myspace bulletins are funny. For example I just got this one:

“it’s pretty funny that you opened this because in the next seven days you will:

* have someone fall in love with you
* find a $20 bill on the ground
* make-out with the person you like
* your best friend will get you a really nice gift
* get a gf-bf
* get an A on all your tests
* get 10 new friends”

I think it’d be really funny if middle aged adults were the predominate force on myspace because the promises would be so much better. It’d be something like

“it’s pretty funny that you opened this because in the next seven days you will:

*get hired at a job with decent health care/pension
*bank of america will stop harassing you
*your husband/wife will stop putting the toilet paper on the wrong way
*your state representative will start representing you/you will be elected to congress
*you will get to have sex this month
*not have your car reposessed because you used it as collateral against your kids student loans
*you index fund will yeild 2% profit
*you will stay out drinking past 10pm on a weeknight and not have a 3 day hangover.”

I like movies that really take you in. I think a good movie makes you feel bad for who they want you to feel bad for. Or if someone is horribly embarassed you feel embarrassed too. Or when someone does something terrible, you feel that way also. Even though you weren’t needing pity or being embarassed or doing anything wrong.

What I don’t like is when for no reason I feel like I’ve done something terrible. Like I need to apologize to someone. I know I’ve got stuff going on but a lot of that has been resolved for the most part, save for the akward phase. I just have this lingering feeling of guilt that I cannot begin to explain… ever have that feeling?

Maybe not guilt even, maybe just a feeling I should be doing something different. or something at all.

I’m a very opinionated person. I don’t think it’s because I think I know everything because I will willingly concede things I don’t know. I think I feel like there is s much uncertainty that I cling to facts and knowledge and anything I know to be true. That’s kind of a sidenote just to say that I’m not a giant asshole about everything. Only some things…

is it appropriate to, in such a public forum, say that I’m completely lost right now? I don’t mean a typical I don’t know what to do with my life I mean in my mind things are just so up in the air. not like I’m crazy or something. more like I don’t know anything. I have some kind of idea of things I want but other than that I don’t know anything about anything. I lost about love and girls, and love and grace and, how to deal with the wreck I’ve become.

I feel like.. if my life were a song I’m trying to write, I’m continually trying to write the bridge while completely ignoring the verses. I keep trying to compose the perfect modulation into the next place in the song that I’m not even writing the now. My life will be remarkable after this after this after this. and the bridge in a song, can be a cool place. and like in life, the transition can really make the song awesome or make it pretty bad. But in reality it’s a fraction of what’s going on. it’s only there to get you from A to B. but I’m trying to get from point to point without laying out any groundwork from which to leave or any next chorus or verse to land on.

Like everything, my life, my convictions, my thoughts, my values, my beliefs is so up in the air. I feel flakey as a person as a whole for the first time in my life. I’m ready to give up trying to be an oak or a rock for now. I’m ready to give up being that guy people ask questions to or look up to because ‘all I know is that I know nothing.’

I’m not sure I’m ok with that or not. if you have any intention to leave a comment, don’t, call my ass. I don’t want to live behind a screen. this stuff is real, this stuff is life. I don’t want advice really, I want company.

1. Toad the Wet Sprocket - Dulcinea
Toad is one of the bet bands ever to make music. Nothing like that will totally blow you away like a victor wooten bass solo or a chris thile-like mandolin player but everything is so perfectly placed. amazing. this is their best albumin my opinion. Tracks to play close attention to: Fly From Heaven, Something’s Always Wrong, Fall Down

2. Bebo Norman - Ten Thousand Days
First CD I ever bought. well second, I bought Chris Tomlin - the noise we make, before but… fuck that doesn’t count at all. Bebo is amazing and this is the best album I’ve heard.. althought I love the Fabric of verse as well, but 10,000 days is way amazing. Top Tracks: The Hammer Holds, Healing Song, The Man Inside, Selwood Farm

3. Goo Goo Dolls - A Boy Named Goo, Dizzy up the girl
Such an unlikely good band. Formerly known as Sex Maggot. Skip through most of the tracks Jonny didn’t write but pay attention to: Long Way Down, Burnin’ up, Name, Slide, Broadway, Black Balloon, Acoustic #3

4. Ryan Adams - anything and you have my respect. if nothing you have to at least appreciate Gold. My current musical crush. Can’t get over this guy. just buy all his shit I can’t even begin to list songs. Eh I’ll try. New York New York, Sweet Carolina, Come pick me up.. fuck I’ll be here forever. Go buy Gold and Heartbreaker to start if you don’t have them already.

5. Nickel Creek - self-titled or this side. Best band possible. The end.
6. Radiohead - hail to the theif (not to be cliche)
7. Caedmon’s Call - 40 acres
8. Rage Against the Machine - Battle of L.A.
9. Third Eye Blind - self-titled

after number 4 I became to lazy to finsihed this entry to completion. you know why they’re awesome I don’t have to spoonfeed it to you dammit.

… upcoming dates I’m excited about post, but I decided it would be appropriate considering that there is, for once, a lot of cool things going on such as:

4/12 - My damn birthday
4/14 - Nothing More @ Sidecar pub, anyone who reads this and lives in houston should come out, they put on an excellent show
4/19 - My last EMT class, I’m going to be a EMT, very exciting, or scarey depending on if you’re someone who lives in West Harris County EMS territory or not…
4/22 - First Hospital rotation, 7pm - 7am. night shift, I can’t wait…
4/27 - Second Hospital rotation… 7p - 7a again… can’t wait..
5/4 - Eisley concert at the meridian, VERY VERY EXCITED
5/13 - The Fray concert, never heard them before. I hope they’re good.
5/27 - Kyle and Jaimee’s wedding! very exciting! Also rookie fire burn this day, very cool but I’ll miss most if not all of the wedding.. eh well life sucks sometimes.
5/28 - Rookie grduation, I’m a REAL firefighter now. Also kyle is very pleased with himself by this point I’m certain

I hope I don’t see any of you guys in the hospital/on the ambulance.. that would suck. first you have to be in the hospital or are going there at least, then the first face you see is mine, which you are probably not happy with. I’m freaking out because I know you and you’re freaking out because you’re thinking “that bastard can’t even pick me up on time how’s he going to save my life. I’m pretty sure he can’t even read.” or whatever, but you’re saying “Frank! I’m SO GLAD YOU CAME HERE TO RESCUE ME.” because you know if you don’t watch your mouth I’ll kill your ass. I hope no one from HIPAA or the National Registry sees this.

that is all.

“I love anonymity and I love being noticed
Just the same as anybody else
Years ago I told you how I loved to be alone
These days I’d be perjuring myself ”
-Derek Webb