I like movies that really take you in. I think a good movie makes you feel bad for who they want you to feel bad for. Or if someone is horribly embarassed you feel embarrassed too. Or when someone does something terrible, you feel that way also. Even though you weren’t needing pity or being embarassed or doing anything wrong.

What I don’t like is when for no reason I feel like I’ve done something terrible. Like I need to apologize to someone. I know I’ve got stuff going on but a lot of that has been resolved for the most part, save for the akward phase. I just have this lingering feeling of guilt that I cannot begin to explain… ever have that feeling?

Maybe not guilt even, maybe just a feeling I should be doing something different. or something at all.

I’m a very opinionated person. I don’t think it’s because I think I know everything because I will willingly concede things I don’t know. I think I feel like there is s much uncertainty that I cling to facts and knowledge and anything I know to be true. That’s kind of a sidenote just to say that I’m not a giant asshole about everything. Only some things…

is it appropriate to, in such a public forum, say that I’m completely lost right now? I don’t mean a typical I don’t know what to do with my life I mean in my mind things are just so up in the air. not like I’m crazy or something. more like I don’t know anything. I have some kind of idea of things I want but other than that I don’t know anything about anything. I lost about love and girls, and love and grace and, how to deal with the wreck I’ve become.

I feel like.. if my life were a song I’m trying to write, I’m continually trying to write the bridge while completely ignoring the verses. I keep trying to compose the perfect modulation into the next place in the song that I’m not even writing the now. My life will be remarkable after this after this after this. and the bridge in a song, can be a cool place. and like in life, the transition can really make the song awesome or make it pretty bad. But in reality it’s a fraction of what’s going on. it’s only there to get you from A to B. but I’m trying to get from point to point without laying out any groundwork from which to leave or any next chorus or verse to land on.

Like everything, my life, my convictions, my thoughts, my values, my beliefs is so up in the air. I feel flakey as a person as a whole for the first time in my life. I’m ready to give up trying to be an oak or a rock for now. I’m ready to give up being that guy people ask questions to or look up to because ‘all I know is that I know nothing.’

I’m not sure I’m ok with that or not. if you have any intention to leave a comment, don’t, call my ass. I don’t want to live behind a screen. this stuff is real, this stuff is life. I don’t want advice really, I want company.