for a person usually so longwinded, being at a complete loss for words is not a fun expirience. I usually have some sort of insight to offer about myself or someone else or some kind of situation, but I find myself completely unable to even begin to know where I’m at, much less provide some kind of personal extrapolation. I find myself very unstable but doing absolutely nothing about it. I’m not even sure if that’s a bad thing yet. I feel very lost in my hopes and dreams and aspirations and even my very ability to be satisfied in basic things. Do we really spend our entire lives chasing satisfaction only to never have it actualized? I feel like that’s the dirty truth that no one wants to admit, like that why our parents tell us we can be president, so that the fact that we will never be satisfied with anything important or longlasting doesn’t ruin ourchildhood or some other freudian bullshit like that. reading ‘how to parent’ books has replaced parenting. I feel very impulsive in thinking that nothing I do will ever bring complete satisfaction anytime soon. I start to feel like sleeping is a waste of time, like I don’t want to miss something important. which is why I’m blogging at 530a

… who feels like the only one.”

when the gospel stops making sense, we’ve got bigger problems than girl-lessnes. but it certainly doesn’t feel like it.

and I don’t mean stop making sense like the gospel ever made sense in the first place. just my ok-ness with it’s not making sense is dwindleing

had to get that off of my chest, it’s been weighing me down for a week.

… upcoming dates I’m excited about post, but I decided it would be appropriate considering that there is, for once, a lot of cool things going on such as:

4/12 - My damn birthday
4/14 - Nothing More @ Sidecar pub, anyone who reads this and lives in houston should come out, they put on an excellent show
4/19 - My last EMT class, I’m going to be a EMT, very exciting, or scarey depending on if you’re someone who lives in West Harris County EMS territory or not…
4/22 - First Hospital rotation, 7pm - 7am. night shift, I can’t wait…
4/27 - Second Hospital rotation… 7p - 7a again… can’t wait..
5/4 - Eisley concert at the meridian, VERY VERY EXCITED
5/13 - The Fray concert, never heard them before. I hope they’re good.
5/27 - Kyle and Jaimee’s wedding! very exciting! Also rookie fire burn this day, very cool but I’ll miss most if not all of the wedding.. eh well life sucks sometimes.
5/28 - Rookie grduation, I’m a REAL firefighter now. Also kyle is very pleased with himself by this point I’m certain

I hope I don’t see any of you guys in the hospital/on the ambulance.. that would suck. first you have to be in the hospital or are going there at least, then the first face you see is mine, which you are probably not happy with. I’m freaking out because I know you and you’re freaking out because you’re thinking “that bastard can’t even pick me up on time how’s he going to save my life. I’m pretty sure he can’t even read.” or whatever, but you’re saying “Frank! I’m SO GLAD YOU CAME HERE TO RESCUE ME.” because you know if you don’t watch your mouth I’ll kill your ass. I hope no one from HIPAA or the National Registry sees this.

… One who doesn’t really like taking communion?

The fact that I should be able to participate in any sort of covenant action with God is rediculous. I know I need to partake in the bread and cup. It’s a given, it’s a nessecary sacrament. But I do it with extreme reluctance. It’s humbling. This is me, fellowshiping with God, proclaiming to the community my ties to Him through the body and the blood.

I also feel like this about prayer and worship. The fact that I can approach God just blows my mind. I was thinking back about the levites and the ark of the covenant and how exclusive God’s presence was. and the rope on the leg think before entering the tabernacle so that if you are not good enough (haha) to be in God’s presence you could be dragged out, that others might not risk their lives (or kosherness) to rescue you. God’s presence ought to kill me. but there is HOPE.

This ripping of the veil thing is big.

This salvation thing is bigger than sin. This bible thing is bigger than a promise. This God thing is bigger than our decaying world.

So I poseted this ad on craigslist: http://houston.craigslist.org/lbs/127628172.html

I am a broke college student, inbetween jobs. I need to make some cash to pay for gas and books for this semester at Houston Community College. I’m a pretty big guy and a volunteer fire fighter, so I am pretty useful for ANY manual labor (lawn care, moving residence, boxes, etc) but I am also extremely well versed in computers.I have also, in my recent employment history, cleaned pools.

Summary:
I will do almost anything to make some ends meet right now

I also play guitar and sing, if you’re lonely/bored and want to hear a guy sing some prety songs for you, I can do that too.

I Actually got a RESPONSE. This woman, Katherine, called me back and had all this stuff for me to do including:
-Setting up computers at her office
-Cleaning the pool she has (in her front yard, haha)
-Random yardwork

She also asked if I had a cell phone and I said “well… yes but I’m not current on the bill right now…” to which she replied “Oh don’t worry I have this prepaid phone I’ll let you borrow so I can contact you.”

But then she calls me back.
“How much do you owe on your cell phone”
me: “like $80″
her: “who is your provider”
me:”Cingular”
her:”Well I have Cingular too so how about you bring your bill and I can help you get that paid tomorrow so we can be in contact”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She’s also going to buy my lunch the days I work with her and comp some gas.

What a blessing.

I’ve been looking into this for a while, and I’ve finally found the name of the problem I have:

I HAVE: PERSISTENT MIRROR MOVEMENTS!

When one of my hands moves, the other moves with it, to a lesser extent. Completely Invuluntary. This thing is linked to every disease going:

“Neurologic syndromes associated with persisting mirror movements are:
-X-chromosome linked Kallmann syndrome
-Klippel-Feil syndrome
-phenyl ketonuria
-agenesis of the corpus callosum
-Usher syndrome
-various abnormalities of the spinal cord, and
-diabetes insipidus
-abnormal ipsilateral cortical activity

The exact pathophysiology of this syndrome is still unclear.”

UNCLEAR? WHAT? CRAP. NONE of that sounds good. I mean… I don’t know what any of that is, but none of it sounds fun.